Sibling grief
There are many articles or posts written for parents but not so many for those who have lost their sibling. Their brother or sister. The one they grew up with. Their partner in crime. This post is based on my experience. I hope it may bring comfort, be helpful or supportive to others.
One of the hardest questions is: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Especially, if you have only just met the person. If I say ‘Yes’ then it often leads to being asked: Are they younger or older? How old are they? What do they do? Do they live at home?
Sometimes I go along with this, but it gets tricky. If I say I have an older brother, then do I give what his age would be now? Initially, I said that he was 24, the age he was when he died. However, now I am 28 I can’t say he is my older brother and then say 24.
If I say ‘No’ then it feels wrong, I end up feeling upset. I had and I still have a brother.
Sometimes, I say ‘Yes’ but then explain that he tragically died. This is fine and generally the best option, although can often lead to an awkward situation, the person saying ‘I am sorry’ then me saying that it is okay- although it is not, just being typically British! However not when I have just met someone. Why should they know?
I once spoke to a psychologist about this, asking how I could answer the question. Her response was that when people ask me whether I have any brothers or sisters I should say ‘I don’t want to talk about this now!’ I said that I couldn’t say that as they might think that they have upset me or said something wrong. She said that it didn’t matter about them, it mattered about me. Safe to say I have never had the guts to do that!
It is hard when others talk about their siblings, what they have done with them, the milestones they have achieved.
It is upsetting not to see where their (your sibling’s) life takes them, to see them get married, buy their first house, have children. It is upsetting that I will not get another greetings card ‘to my sister’, I won’t have nephews and nieces, or be an Auntie, and if I have children they won’t have their Uncle or any cousins.
The photographs you have are the only ones you will ever have. I was the younger sibling but now I have overtaken the years that my brother has had and how we remember him.
This is hard. The only comfort I can find is that at least he will not have to endure old age, dementia or living in a care home.
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| Sibling grief |
There are certain things you do. When my dear brother died I wanted to still include him on cards, it felt wrong to just take him off. I still include him in kisses whenever I am writing something from us as a family. Our three names, but four kisses, one from him. He is part of our family. If it is a card or present for Mum and Dad for their Christmas, Birthday or another occasion I always sign it from both of us.
Christmases, birthdays and anniversaries are always particularly hard. I like to talk about my brother and like it when others bring up memories or events that have occured. He was, is and will always be a big part of my life and has helped me shape who I am. Talking about him gives me comfort. It keeps his memory alive.
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| Sibling grief |
Sometimes planting a tree in a loved ones memory can be helpful. My brother has a tree which we visit regularly. Sometimes this can be helpful to have a certain place you and others can go and remember the person. Often a place where they have enjoyed or had good times. It is nice to see it grow and flourish. It is lovely to know that it will be there forever, way past our lifetime. Although, it can be upsetting as the taller it grows the longer I know he has not been with us.
Do you do something to keep your sibling’s memory alive or that brings you comfort?
Hannah x
Hannah x
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