The Price Paid To Show My Capability

It can be tough, wanting others to understand, but not wanting to share all your vulnerabilities. In this post I discuss the price paid to show my capability.

Others Don’t Have A Clue

Sometimes, it feels like others don’t have a clue about my life. But how can they? Would I have had any idea before my personal experience? Probably not. Furthermore, everyone is affected by disability/chronic illness differently. 

It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. Recently, someone asked me would I work full-time? There is absolutely no way I could work full-time. I don’t even think I would last one week! Currently, I work 14 hours hours a week. Sometimes, that is a struggle. I pay a price to be able to work and what my other days entail as a result.

I write occasional blogs and do occasional speeches. But these are very ad-hoc, and I leave writing, or turn down speeches when it is too much.

A Desire to be an Equal

I probably contribute to this image. I’m very determined, and I always want to finish whatever task I am completing; even if I pay a price. I want to appear as capable, an equal, at work and out in society.

So often, I am met with stereotypes that I am less as a disabled person, so this drives these characteristics further.

Nevertheless, this along with the fact I am able to articulate myself well, results in others thinking I need less care and am able to do far more than I can.

People Don’t See it

People don’t see the impact of me spending hours of days in bed, and the remaining of days in my powerchair, but feeling so ill and incapable of doing anything.

I don’t want pity or sympathy. Just appreciation that like with anyone’s life there is more going on, and struggles that I am dealing with.

How Much to Disclose?

I don’t feel comfortable sharing photos of myself when I am struggling, which is probably a large proportion of time. However, just because others don’t ‘see’ it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

I have to plan my life carefully, have quieter days to recover. Even so, in the first place, my plans are often too ambitious.

Can I Win?

The answer is probably ‘no’! It is a catch 22. Some people have the attitude that a wheelchair user’s brain doesn’t work, while others assume if you are able to articulate well, you can’t need that much care, and can do more than you can. If I share more of my vulnerabilities this will fuel the former, and by trying to show I am capable I pay the price and fuel the latter.

Do you know someone who is disabled or chronically ill? Try to get to know them and all their life more so you can understand and support them better.

Hannah x

You may be interested in reading: 7 Days In My Life (As A Wheelchair User).